The Blog Oracle for 2011
Like death, taxes and the assurance that Vice President Joe Biden will say something stupid that embarrasses the White House, few things are as predictable as the appearance of year-end lists and predictions for the coming new year. The seriousness these list gatherers ascribe to their prognostications (which prove about as successful as the Cincinnati Bengals’ play calling) makes them ripe targets for ridicule. At the risk of never being invited back to some of these places, coupled with my long suppressed tendency to be a bit of a smart alec (No! Really you say?), it only seemed appropriate that in the best tradition of David Letterman and the worst tradition of bloggers trying to be comedians, that I should throw out my own year end list of oracular culinary wisdom.
So strap on your funny bone, place your tongue firmly in your cheek (pork cheeks are allowed), and enjoy the Shenandoah Supper Club blog’s predictions for the Lexington food scene in 2011!
#10: Musician, bar owner and bourbon aficionado Larry Redmon, proprietor of Redmon’s and The Bluegrass Tavern (180+ Bourbons and NO Jack Daniels), opens a new bar featuring ONLY Tennessee Whiskey. The bar closes after only a month. When asked why he wasted his money on such a short-lived venture, Larry responds by saying “To prove that no one actually drinks this crap”.
#9: Jealous at the attention received by the Blue Agave Cantina after a near riot broke out following the UK Football Homecoming game, patron’s of the alternative lifestyle bar Pulse declare their right to host the next riot in downtown Lexington, which promptly breaks out during a drag show when two models show up wearing the same dress.
#8: I’m still amused that Dudley’s on Short, as the restaurant has been renamed in its new location, is owned by a woman whose last name is Long. There’s no prediction here, I just can’t quit laughing about it.
#7: Television personality Anthony Bourdain, who has survived war in Lebanon, running a Khmer Rouge road blockade in Cambodia on a motorcycle and Sicilian cliff diving (not to mention that whole Romania episode), finally sees his luck run out when – while attempting to visit a moonshine still in Eastern Kentucky – he stumbles into a booby-trapped pot field next door to a meth lab. The Food Network/Travel Channel plugs the series finale as “No Reservations: The BAM episode”. Bourdain’s last words are an explicative laced rant against the producer who nixed bringing Ted Nugent along on the shoot for “budget reasons”.
#6: Attempting to follow on the success of bourbon, vodka, beer and wine production in and around Lexington, a group of entrepeneurs fail in their attempt to turn Lexington into the next “Chicha Capital of the World”. The venture failed due to the fact they couldn’t find people willing to spit into the fermentation vats because it required them to first remove the tobacco from their mouths. Every list has an “Eew” item. Rejoice. This was it.
#5: The Lexington Farmer’s Market is the focus of protests from radically extremist locavores over complaints the food isn’t local enough since it wasn’t grown in the concrete of Cheapside Park.
#4: Bill Samuels and Maker’s Mark decide to capitalize on the success of their Maker’s 46 bourbon by releasing another new product – Maker’s 33 1/3. RIP Leslie Nielsen.
#3: Vince Carlucci, whose downtown penthouse level Skybar features a lighted star field ceiling over the bar, opens a basement level sister establishment where patrons can see a simulation of the fires of hell beneath the club’s floor. Oh wait, he already sold that place…
#2: The folks at the Bluegrass Hospitality Group (proprietors of such über successful in-spots as Malone’s, Sal’s, Harry’s and Drake’s), having run out of partners after which to name restaurants, open Gollum’s just to prove once and for all that they are, in fact, in possession of “the precious”. Apologies to chicagofoodsnob, blogger for Chicago Now, for shamelessly stealing his punchline. Hey at least I admit it when I steal an idea from someone, that’s more than most chefs do.
And finally ….
#1: After failing to resolve the local government’s most recent budget crisis on his own, Mayor Jim Gray announces that through the financial generosity of Pearse Lyons, the city will be renamed “Alltech Lexington”. Alltech beat out a competing bid by Ritchie Farmer (who wanted to rename the city “Lexington Proud”) because it would have required everything Lexnigton does in the future to be sent out of state first for “processing”.
Happy New Year, and I hope to see you dining out and about Lexington in 2011!